Snow Flakes
by Hugsiez
Summary: Short little Lusan story. Susan tries to help Luka, but both end up realizing things they hadn't come in contact with. Please R&R!
1. Default Chapter

A.N- In an attempt to help Luka, Susan confesses something to herself that she had been trying to hide. And, in all this, Luka realizes something too. It's my first Lusan story, so please R&R to let me know what you think. TY! ^_^  
  
_~_~_~_~_~_~_  
  
"Alright, Malik, I'll see you tomorrow!"  
  
Susan smiled at him and waved as she walked out of the ER and out to the ambulance bay. The usual Chicago winter was starting to make its way in, so she wrapped her scarf closely to her as she started to walk out and out to her car. Besides from the coldness, the sky seemed clear except for a few clouds. Other than that, little stars were shining clearly in the sky. Sighing, she tucked her hair behind her ears and was about to start to put her gloves on, but she saw someone sitting on a bench. Alone and just staring out into the darkness of the streets ahead.  
  
"Luka?"  
  
At his name, Luka looked up immediately and turned to her; startled. "Oh, hi, Susan."  
  
Frowning slightly, she walked towards him and sat down next to him. "Are you alright? I thought that you had gotten off an hour ago."  
  
"Yeah, I- I did."  
  
As she looked at him, she noticed that he was only wearing the jacket of his suit; no coat or anything else. The tip of his nose seemed a little cold, and she wondered if he even realized that the temperature was dropping. "Luka, aren't you cold? It's freezing. . . What's wrong. . .?  
  
Luka smiled slightly and shook his head. "Nothing, just. I just sat here and lost track of time, I guess."  
  
"Oh, come on, Kovac, what's wrong?"  
  
"Nothing, Susan. I just didn't want to go home and just sat here." He smiled slightly again as he leaned back against the bench. "Like I said, I just lost track of time. I guess I'll see you tomorrow, huh?" Sighing mentally, he started to stand up. It was actually true that he didn't want to go home. There was nothing for him to go home to. No one. He would just go there to sit on the couch and pop open a few beers before going to sleep. That had been his routine for a few weeks now and the only other thing that would change that routine would be when he went to bars and would spend some 'quality time' with the "friendly" people there.  
  
Susan noticed that there was something wrong with him. Actually, everyone in the ER had noticed that. There were times that he seemed to just want to drown himself with work and there were other times that he seemed to not care about anything. If it hadn't been for that Croatian doctor that had come over a few weeks ago and for those things that she had told them about Luka and how. . .happy he had been once upon a time in Croatia, no one would really think of him that way. It had been so long since she had last seen him smile-a full out smile instead of a small one that seemed to be forced. And, even if he had seemed to be doing a lot of stupid things lately, he was still one of her friends and she didn't want to see him hurt. She knew that he was lonely, and that that was why he acted the way he did. But she knew that there was another reason aside from that: she cared about him, and not just as a friend. She had for a while, but she had always tried to ignore it. To keep it tucked away.  
  
But as he started to stand, she sighed mentally and stood as well. "Well, hey, I don't really want to go home either, why don't we keep each other company."  
  
"Thanks, Susan, but you don't have to do this. I'm fine."  
  
Susan smiled slightly. "Yeah, but I still don't want to go home and you don't either, so come on. We can go down to the lake and walk around for a little bit." She smiled as he chuckled. "What do you say? Besides, maybe it'll help you with keeping warm now that you don't have a coat on and it's freezing."  
  
Luka looked at her and smiled slightly, nodding. "Ok, I guess you're right."  
  
~~*~~~*~~*~~*~~  
  
"So, why were you really out there in the ambulance bay?" Susan turned to Luka as she kept eating her cotton candy and he barely started eating the pretzel that he had just bought. They had gone down to the lake and were enjoying the night view and how the moon had started to slowly come out from behind the clouds and the way that it reflected in the water. Since it was so cold and it was starting to get late, there weren't a lot of people around.  
  
Luka turned to her and smiled slightly, shaking his head and just. . .hoping that she would let go of the question. Swallowing the bite of the pretzel he had taken, he answered, "I already told you; I didn't want to go home. It's. . . It has been a hard few weeks."  
  
Susan smiled slightly back, nodding. "Yeah, I've noticed. I think that we've all noticed, actually."  
  
"Oh, really? Heh, I didn't know that it was that noticeable. . ."  
  
"Maybe you should take a few days off, Luka. You deserve it. Besides, you haven't taken time off in a while, you know."  
  
Luka shook his head and sighed. "No reason to." He forced out a smile. "Besides, I've been trying to avoid going home; I'm not just going to go and stay there for a few days."  
  
Smiling, she shook her head. "You could go on vacation. Hey, maybe you should go to a beach or something and just. . .take it easy. That'd be fun."  
  
Considering, he stayed silent as he took another bite of the pretzel. Turning to her, he smiled; a small smile anyway but one that was not forced for once. "Yeah, I guess you're right. Maybe I should."  
  
"Luka. . . I know that that there have been some hard weeks in the past, but you do know that if you need to talk, you're not alone. You can talk to me whenever you need to. And it doesn't have to be right now, you can talk whenever you want." Smiling, she offered some of her cotton candy to him. She was afraid that he would do something that he would later regret. That he would do something. . .destructive. Lately he had been so quiet and distracted at times. Kept to himself most of the time, and they all noticed but didn't know if they should say anything. She still remembered Div, and how depressed he had been. And how she hadn't been able to help him. How he had run away and she hadn't been able to do anything for him. How she still wished that she could have helped him feel better; even if they hadn't ended up together.  
  
Luka turned to Susan and smiled slightly, taking a small piece of the cotton candy. "I know, Susan. Thank you. I really appreciate it." They stayed silent for a while, and Luka didn't continue eating the pretzel. In fact, he had lost his appetite. Part of him wanted to talk to her; to just get rid of all the weight that seemed to be eating him inside. It seemed like all the things that he had in his mind were coming to haunt him once more and, right now, he just wanted to let everything go. He wanted all that was haunting him to leave him alone. The other part of him, though, just wished to be left alone. Just hoped that he could sort everything out on his own instead of having to tell her.  
  
Taking a breath, he turned to her and he couldn't help but smile when he saw her staring at him. She seemed so. . .beautiful in the moonlight. Her eyes shined, as if two of the many stars that were in the sky had settled in her eyes and were shining as she looked at him. When the wind started blowing and a few strands of her hair started to float with it. After hesitating, he brought his hand up and gently tucked her hair behind her ear for her.  
  
Susan, of course, had not been expecting that. She had been about to ask him to hold the cotton candy for her while she tied her hair back, but. . . When he did that, though, she felt herself shiver slightly. It felt as the shiver moved slowly along her whole body and up and down her spine a few times. Even if it was the first time that he had done that, she immediately loved that feeling. As she stared at him, and she saw his own hair fly gently with the breeze, she smiled. It felt like time was frozen in place. Like they were the only ones that were there by the lake and that no one could ever break this moment. As if nothing, and no one, would ever bother them. That they would be together. That there were no troubles and no worries. She knew that she sounded like a little crush-struck little girl, but she found herself even liking it.  
  
But, like she had experienced in the past, all things come to an end. And the good ones came to an end faster. When he pulled back and started walking again, she sighed mentally and followed next to him; quiet in case that he would talk. Silence followed but, when she was about to talk a few minutes later, she heard how Luka took a deep breath in; as if building enough courage to say what was in his mind. She turned to him, still silent to not make him feel like she was pushing him.  
  
"I don't know what it is, Susan. I guess. . . Lately it's just hard to be alone, you know? It's hard to go home and just. . .be there, without nothing else to do. I mean. . ." Luka sighed and looked out to the water, silent for a short while before talking in a low voice; as if afraid of his own confession. "I don't know, I guess it's just. . .scary to think that I'll probably end up this way. All alone and without anyone. No wife, no kids. . . Nothing." He stayed silent again for a while before shaking his head slightly. "Forget it. It's stupid."  
  
Susan had been listening to him, and the sadness in his voice made her heart clench for him. When he said the last, she shook her head and smiled slightly at him. "No, Luka, it's not stupid. I know how you feel."  
  
"You do?"  
  
"I don't know if you know this, but I'm in that same spot where you are. No wife, no kids. . . My family's not exactly the ideal one or one that I would often visit and stay with. . ." She stayed silent for a while too, watching him, before smiling slightly again. "But you're lucky."  
  
Luka turned to her and frowned slightly in confusion. "'Lucky'?  
  
Susan nodded. "Yeah, you're lucky. You got to experience it already, Luka. . . You- You had a wife, two children. I know that they were taken away from you, but you still got to live it. I think you're pretty lucky in that sense. Some people live their whole lives and never even get to even get close to it." When she saw him smile and nod slightly, she smiled too. It was another one that was obviously not forced. "But, you know what? I don't think that you'll end up alone. You deserve someone."  
  
Chuckling, Luka shook his head and smiled; a hint of sadness in his voice. "No, Susan, I don't think so. I used to think so too, but. . . Not anymore."  
  
Taking a shot at it, Susan sighed and shook her head. "You know, I think that Abby and Carter are happy. Maybe you should be happy for them too. . ."  
  
Luka frowned slightly and turned to her again. "What are you talking about? What brought that up?"  
  
Susan, at that, laughed lightly and shook her head. "Oh, come on, Luka. I was there when the lockdown, remember? I was there when you saw Abby and Carter kissing." When she saw the pained expression on his face, she couldn't help but regret saying that. Luka had been about to go to tell Carter that Kerry wanted to talk to him, but he had just frozen outside that door. She had been following him, about to tell him that some guy had gotten a cut and that they needed to go and see if anyone else was hurt, but she had stopped when he had. She had asked about three times what was wrong, but when she followed his gaze towards the trauma room where Abby and Carter were, and she saw them kissing and hugging, she turned to look at Luka once more only to see his head lower, with a look of defeat and pain sketched all over his face.  
  
Luka could also remember that night. But he hadn't noticed Susan next to him. He just remembered that kiss. How it made him realize that he lost her. That he would never get a second chance to tell Abby that he loved her. That he missed her and that they deserved a second chance; that they shouldn't just get rid of what they once had. That he needed her. But all that had gotten locked in his heart and he knew that that was a big reason on why he had been acting the way he had lately. After losing Abby, he was afraid that he had let go of the only person that meant something to him in that way. That he had lost the one person that he had actually loved once more after Danjiela and that, after Abby, he would never be able to love anyone else. That his heart was hardened forever. After he had seen that kiss and he swallowed the thick knot that seemed to be choking-almost killing him-he took a step back and walked away to calm the other people that had been in the ER until it was open once more. He didn't remember Susan trying to talk to him, trying to ask him if he was ok.  
  
"I'm sorry, Luka, I shouldn't have said that."  
  
"No, it's ok. I actually agree with you; I *should* be happy for them."  
  
Susan, throwing away the bag of the cotton candy, smiled slightly at him. "You know. I know it hurts, but it goes away. It really does."  
  
Luka threw away the pretzel, even if it was more than half of it. He just wasn't hungry anymore. Shaking his head slightly he turned to the lake once more before turning to her. "I know." His voice seemed to lower and get husky. "But it hasn't in all this time."  
  
She noticed the sadness in his voice and in his eyes and, even if her heart seemed to break for him, she still knew that she needed to help him. To at least try to cheer him up. "Ah, just give it a little more time. Maybe it'll go away before you know it."  
  
Luka turned to Susan and smiled, sorely wishing that he hadn't fallen in love with Abby. Wishing that the one he had fallen in love with had been with Susan. He had spent good times with Abby, memories that he wouldn't trade for anything in the world, but now it was that he wished that he could be able to put them in the past; where they belonged. Abby and Carter were together now, and there was nothing that he could do about it. Abby didn't want him, she wanted Carter. He just hoped that he could be able to get rid of what he was feeling for Abby and that; soon, he could be able to move on. Smiling at her, he kissed her cheek softly before smiling at her again. "Thank you. You're a great person to talk to."  
  
At the kiss, Susan could feel the back of her neck blush slightly. She smile nonetheless, however, and they hugged. "I'm glad I could help; even if it's a little bit." As they hugged each other, Susan felt so secure in his arms, and even wondered why Abby had given him up. He was such a sweet guy, nice, funny. . . As she hugged him, she suddenly felt something fall on the tip of her nose and she opened her eyes; noticing that it was starting to snow. Smiling, she turned to Luka; not pulling back too much from his arms. She liked being there. . . "Hey, look, it's snowing."  
  
Luka looked up towards the sky, his arms loosely around her, and when he saw the small snowflakes twirling down slowly onto the ground, he smiled as well. "It's the first snow, isn't it?" When he turned to her and saw her grinning and nodding, he smiled. She looked so beautiful. . . Without realizing what he was doing, he brought his hand up to touch her chin before moving close to her; lightly kissing her lips and caressing her cheek gently with his thumb.  
  
Susan didn't have time to react; she just kissed him back just as lightly and looped her arms loosely around his neck. They kissed for a while, not noticing the time, the weather, or even that they were kissing each other. When they pulled back slightly, and Susan finally saw Luka, she stared at him in surprise; a look that Luka seemed to return as well.  
  
"I- I'm sorry, Susan, I-"  
  
Susan shook her head slightly and did her best to smile. "It's ok, I'm sorry, too."  
  
"I- It's just. . . You-"  
  
She did her best to keep up her smile, feeling her hopes that he had felt something in that kiss crashing down around her. She had hoped that that kiss had meant something. That maybe, just maybe, they could have a chance together. . . "I'm not Abby. I know." She started to walk again so that he wouldn't see the disappointment in her eyes and, as she did so, a gust of cold wind blew in and made her hold her closer to her.  
  
Noticing that, Luka immediately took off the jacket of his suit and put it around her. When Susan was going to complain about him doing that, he shook his head as he smiled. "It's ok."  
  
"Luka, you'll freeze. . . This is the only jacket that you have on."  
  
"Hey, it's fine. Really."  
  
Susan gave him a small grateful smile. "Thanks. I. . . I'm going to go home now, though."  
  
"N- Now?" Luka smiled slightly. "Why don't you stay, I'll buy you another cotton candy."  
  
Susan smiled. "Thanks, but I have to go. I- I have an early shift tomorrow and have to get some sleep. Thanks for tonight, though. For the cotton candy."  
  
Luka smiled back. "And thanks for listening to me." Smiling, he waved slightly but when she turned around and was about to give him the jacket back, he shook his head quickly. "Oh, no, it's ok. Just. . .keep it, ok? I'll be fine."  
  
Again, she smiled and nodded slightly before starting for her car, not daring to look back. It hurt that Luka regretted the kiss. That he was so hung up on Abby to even notice other women. To notice her. . .  
  
If she would have noticed, though, she would have seen that Luka was watching her go. That, no matter how he felt about Abby, right now something seemed to be stirring up inside of him. Something that he hadn't expected from the kiss.  
  
But, at the same time, something that he wanted to experience again. 


	2. 2

A.N- Ok, like I told some people, I wasn't actually going to continue because I didn't think anyone would like it, but I've been working on this chapter for a while now. I admit it might be bad, but blame all that to school. ^_^;; I hope you like it, and the next chapters will be longer. ;)  
  
Usual disclaimers apply.  
  
----  
  
Susan tossed in her bed for, what she thought was, the millionth time. It had been about three hours since she had gone to bed, but no matter how hard she seemed to try, what had happened that night played in her mind repeatedly. She could still hear Luka's voice as he confessed some things that, obviously, he hadn't said to anyone else. She could still hear the way that his voice seemed to get sadder by each word that he spoke and that the sadness seemed to be choking him. She could still feel the way that her heart broke when she saw his eyes and the immense pool of emptiness that seemed to be in them. The way that he looked so different from when she met him. In a few years he had changed and, even if it was understandable, he had changed dramatically. When she met him, the obvious sadness from the loss of his family seemed to stand out, but now. . . Now it was as if that sadness had turned into a deep hole of depression that only seemed to eat him up as each day passed; killing him slowly from the inside. 'No,' she thought. "I have to get him out of my thoughts. . . I have to. I have to. . ." Sighing loudly, she grabbed an extra pillow that was laying next to her and hugged it as she stared out the window. The moon's silver glow was hidden behind clouds but, even like that, Susan stared out the window silently; her mind drifting back to Luka. To their walk by the lake. To their conversation. To their hug. To their kiss. At the thought, Susan found herself smiling as she closed her eyes and sighed. She had been dreaming of kissing Luka for a while now and now that they had kissed. . . . . . Shaking her head, she let out another deep sigh and opened her eyes again. For some reason, she now realized, she was always falling for the wrong guy. Would she ever get a relationship that would work out? Every single relationship from the past seemed to have gone from bad to worse, and now, after all of those bad relationship, she wanted one to finally work out. One in which she and the person she was with could finally make each other happy, and have children together, and grow old together. . . All that sounded like wishful thinking, though. Shaking her head with a loud sigh, she grabbed another pillow and put it over her head; wanting to just hide from all. ----  
  
Dr. Kovac, can you sign this please?" When only silence followed, Haleh sighed loudly. "Dr. Kovac, for the fourth time. . . Can you sign this?" Startled slightly, Luka finally snapped out of his thoughts and turned to Haleh. "Huh?" Noticing the exasperated look on her face, Luka turned towards the chart in her hands and took it; quickly signing it. "Sorry, I'm a bit distracted today. Taking back her chart, Haleh turned back and started to walk away. "You don't say." Ignoring the comment, Luka picked up his water bottle and started for the lounge. After practically drowning himself in work, his shift was no over. Work had seemed as the best answer to the problem of preventing too many thoughts, but now everything was starting to come back. All the thoughts about what was going on with him. All the thoughts about the past. All the thoughts about Abby. About Susan. He didn't know what had taken over him the night before, but when he had seen Susan standing in front of him, with the first snowflakes suddenly falling around them. . . It had been so hard not to kiss her. She was absolutely beautiful, and now more than once he had caught himself wondering why he hadn't been able to see that before. Why had he been so blind? Why hadn't he paid attention? Why. . . "Why, what?" Jumping back slightly in surprise and, startled, Luka turned to Kerry. The thought that he had said all those questions aloud suddenly came in his mind; causing him to drain of color momentarily. Kerry, upon noticing this, frowned slightly when she noticed the way that he looked. "Luka, are you alright?" 'Say something, quick,' he thought. "Um, yeah, Kerry. I just. . ." "Sorry if I took you by surprise, but all of a sudden you said 'Why. . .' and I thought you were going to ask something." When she saw Luka's forced smile, she frowned slightly deeper. "Are you alright?" Luka nodded, going to his locker. "Yeah, I just. . . I have a lot in my mind." Smiling sympathetically, Kerry nodded. "Yeah, I've noticed that. Look, if there's something wrong, you should take some time off." Luka shook his head as he took out his coat. The mere thought of being at home, alone with his thoughts, almost terrified him. He'd rather be working; have something to do instead of just. . .sitting there and not do anything, or drowning himself in some bottle of cheap alcohol. "No, Kerry, it's fine. I'm probably just tired; I. . .didn't sleep that well last night." He wasn't actually lying; after hours of trying to go to sleep, he had given up trying and just stayed up for the rest of the night playing his zombies game on his PlayStation. "I'll just get some sleep tonight and be fine tomorrow." "No, you should just go home and take some time off." "Kerry-" "Luka, I'm serious. I'd rather you go get your mind clear, and come back focused. I don't want something to happen because you weren't thinking properly." Giving up any attempt to change her mind, Luka nodded as he finally closed the door for his locker. "Alright, Kerry, fine. How many days?" "The rest of the week if you don't want to stay away that long. Just three days, if that's what you want, but call if you want more days off." Sighing, he nodded and started for the door. "Ok, Kerry. Thank you, I guess. . ." Walking out, Luka sighed once more and shook his head. Deep down he knew that Kerry was doing all this so that he would be ok, and he honestly needed it, but he wasn't really planning on admitting it. He didn't need time off. . . Susan was outside, at the ambulance bay, waiting for an MVA that was coming in a few minutes. It was freezing outside, but the snow had stopped falling for about an hour now; which was the main reason why Malik and Chuny were having a snowball fight. Turning to them, Susan laughed at the sight of Malik getting a handful of snow thrown to his face: completely catching him off-guard. "You guys, come on; you have to wait with me for the MVA." Chuny turned to her and, grinning, she grabbed a handful of snow again to prepare it for Malik. "We're waiting, Dr. Lewis. Come on, help me get Malik!" Frowning defensively, Malik turned to them. "Oh that's not fair!" Just then, the doors from the ER opened and Luka walked out. Grinning at his opportunity of having someone to help him fight Susan and Chuny, he talked to Luka, "Hey, Kovac, help me get Chuny and Dr. Lewis. It can be two against two." Chuckling, Luka shook his head. "Ah, I'm not that good. They'd probably win." Turning to Susan, he smiled slightly; awkwardly. He didn't know what to say to her anymore. Had he actually ruined the friendship he had with her by giving her that kiss? When he saw Susan's nervous smile, he knew he had to say something before Chuny and/or Malik caught onto something and started prying or starting some rumor about them. "Hey, Susan." "Hey. Your shift's over?" Smiling slightly, Luka dug his hands in his pockets. "Yeah, when does yours end?" Sighing, Susan shrugged and started to walk slowly with him for a few steps. "In a few hours." When Luka nodded, she had expected him to say something else, but. . .nothing. At his silence, she sighed mentally. Everything in their friendship had started to finally settle last night, and it had all been for nothing: the kiss had ruined it. She knew that she might not have any chance with him, but she had hoped that, at least, they could be friends. She wanted to help him. . . After what seemed like forever, she turned to him and forced out an awkward smile; hoping that, at least, it would look half real. "Luka, about yesterday. . ." He turned to her quickly and shook his head slightly. "No, Susan, you don't have to say anything. I'm sorry, I. . . I didn't realize what I was doing, I was way out of line. I shouldn't have. . ." Nodding, Susan smiled; practically forcing it out but hoping that it looked real. Hoping that he wouldn't be able to see that she wanted him to kiss her yet again. "Yeah, and don't worry about it; I already forgot about it." As the sound of the ambulance was heard coming in with her MVA, she turned to that direction quickly, glad that they wouldn't have to talk about this anymore. How could she say that she had forgotten about it already? She hadn't; that was the truth, but he couldn't let him know that. She couldn't let him know that she had thought about it all night and it was because of that kiss that she had spent all night awake. . .  
  
The second that Susan said that, Luka turned to her, but he saw her looking away at the ambulance. He couldn't describe the feeling that he got when she said that, but. . . It hurt. But maybe it was for the best, right? Sighing mentally, he smiled slightly at her. "I'll let you go, ok? I'll see you." Waving slightly, he started to walk away as the MVA was being taken out of the ambulance."  
  
"Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow."  
  
"Actually," Luka turned to her. "I won't be around for a bit; for the rest of the week, actually. . . Kerry gave me time off." When she turned to him, surprised, he smiled slightly and waved yet again before leaving, knowing she had to work and he was just getting in the way.  
  
Susan stared at him as he left, completely missing everything the paramedics were saying. He was getting time off? So she wasn't going to be seeing him for the rest of the week. . .  
  
"Dr. Lewis!"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, um. . . Let's get him inside." She said everything almost automatically, her mind completely out of where it should be. But. . .maybe it was for the best; that way they could go back to talking without any awkwardness getting in the way. Of course, that was what her mind was saying, but her heart was yelling something very differently. 


End file.
